


In the Stars

by uswntinharmony



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Coming To Peace, F/F, Guilt, PREATH - Freeform, Presston - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 07:06:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14711408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uswntinharmony/pseuds/uswntinharmony
Summary: After Tobin's death two years ago, Christen can't seem to recover. No matter how hard her new girlfriend, Julie, tries to comfort her, it doesn't make a difference. But then, Christen has the strangest dream that changes everything.*just a short bit of angst to add to your day





	In the Stars

The morning breeze whips by Christen as she walks through the damp grass. Her uneven breaths are illustrated by puffs of fog coming from her mouth, the cool winter unforgiving. Even though she’s wrapped in sweaters upon sweaters, it’s not enough to keep her from shivering. This is more important than her well-being, though, if you ask her.

Christen comes to a stop by an intricately designed stone, letters and numbers and flowers engraved on its surface. With a sigh, she kneels beside it, her knees sinking into the freshly watered soil. She bows her head to the ground and starts tracing shapes into the dirt nervously, even though she knew she had no reason to be.

“Hey, Tobs,” she whispers shakily. “It’s Christen again,” she waits for a response she knows won’t come. “I know it’s been awhile since I’ve come to visit you, but I’ve been really busy with work and the dogs and everything. I’m really sorry.

“It’s been exactly two years now since the accident. I still think about it almost every day; how it could’ve been avoided. ‘I should’ve waited a bit longer before going again,’ ‘If only I turned to the right a little bit more.’,” Christen pauses. “I don’t remember if I told you, but they finally jailed the guy who did it. Guess they finally worked out the problems with deciphering the license plate. I don’t really know the details though; I try to stay out of court when I can. When I’m there, I can’t think of anything other than that night with you, and I just can’t take it.

“I’ve been doing pretty good though, don’t worry. I finally got the last surgery done, so no more of those,” she reaches toward her cheek. “Just an ugly scar to show for it. It’s not too bad, I don’t think. Sort of looks like a battle scar, which I guess is what it kind of is. I hate it, but Julie tells me I’m gorgeous even with the scar. She still looks at me differently, though,” she chokes up. “Well, everyone does. 

“I should go, Tobs. Julie never told me if she was going to come home for lunch or not, and I don’t want her to get home and have me not be there. She’ll worry too much,” Christen pulls a bundle of flowers out from her sweater pocket and places it on the ground in front of her ex-girlfriend’s grave. “I love you,” she kisses the top of the stone and gets up, brushing dirt off of her jeans.

Suddenly, the cold hits Christen all over again and she wraps her oversized sweater around her body as tight as she can and sprints to her car, desperate for warmth again.

\---

“I’m home!” Christen calls cautiously upon entering her threshold. “Jules?” she hears no reply.

Christen finds her phone on the dining table where she had left it before going out (she didn’t want anyone or anything interrupting her time with Tobin) and turns it on. Scrolling through her notifications, she notices a text from Julie: "Hey babe, can’t make lunch today :( Too much going on at work. See you tonight, love you" <3

Christen replies with an "i love you too" before crashing on the couch. Her dogs, Khaleesi and Morena, quickly settle beside her, one head on each of her thighs. She grabs the remote off of the coffee table and turns on the television, flipping through channels before settling on Animal Planet. A litter of puppies wrestle on screen, making Christen smile for the first time all day. She snuggles closer to her two dogs, trying to get comfortable. Soon after, the show cuts to commercial, and Christen is faced with the universally known depressing puppy video. 

Tears immediately form in eyes, the commercial being the last straw before a complete breakdown. She begins to shake uncontrollably, sobs escaping from her lips. Khaleesi presses harder into her hip and Morena licks her hand, but it’s no use. Christen is gone to the world around her, stuck in a sphere of sorrow. Exhausted from the emotional toll of the morning, Christen eventually cries herself to sleep, curled up under a blanket with her dogs by her side.

\---

The dogs’ barking makes Christen stir. She groans and shifts herself in a more comfortable position, not bothering to open her eyes.

“Shut up,” she whines.

Christen hears panicked whispers and opens her eyes slightly, sleep blurring her vision. She spots a woman hanging her coat up by the door, but she can’t make out who it is exactly. She kind of looks like-- it couldn’t be.

“Tobin?” she squeaks out.

The woman turns in response and smiles sadly. “Go back to sleep, Chris, you’re exhausted.”

“Maybe,” Christen whispers.

“I know you are.”

“Christen begins to worry. “Will you be here when I wake up again?” 

“Of course, love,” the girl replies. “For however long you need.”

Christen smiles sleepily and pulls the blankets up to her neck. “Goodnight, Tobs.”

“Goodnight, Chris,” the sad voice was the last thing Christen heard before slipping back into oblivion.

\---

A loud clang startles Christen out of her slumber. She clambers up with a start and looks toward the kitchen, where a dejected Julie stood, looking at a cooking pan on the ground.

“What happened?” she asks drowsily.

“Well, I was making dinner and-”

“The Julie Johnston making dinner? It’s more likely than you think,” Christen interrupts.

“Oh, shut up,” Julie walks over and gives her a kiss on the cheek. “As I was saying, I was making dinner- lemon chicken by the way, just for you- and I went to put it on a plate, as you do, and accidentally dropped it and now we have lemon chicken all over the floor and a possibly broken pan.”

Christen shakes her head. “I’ll help clean it up.”

“Thanks, babe.”

Christen throws the blanket off of her and grabs some paper towels from the kitchen. “Why make my favorite meal anyway? What’s the occasion?”

Julie joins her, wiping up remnants of chicken. “I thought you might be especially sad today.”

Suddenly Christen is reminded of today’s significance. Tobin, the accident, and most of all, the vision she saw between her restless sleep. “That was you, wasn’t it? Earlier, when I was half asleep.”

Julie nods sadly. “I’m sorry, Chris. I know you miss her.”

“I just,” she pauses. “I can’t help feeling responsible for what happened. And I’m reminded of this guilt every day, thanks to this thing,” she points to the scar that started at her cheek, trickling down the the base of her neck.

“Oh, Christen,” Julie strokes Christen’s jaw, over the ridged skin. “You know I think you’re beautiful no matter what. It’s a part of what makes you unique.”

“I know,” Christen whispers. “It just hurts.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Promise me you’ll always be here? And continue to be the supportive girlfriend you’ve always been?”

“Well that’s easy,” Julie takes Christen’s hand in her own. “I promise you, Christen Annemarie Press, that I was always love and cherish you and be here as long as you need me.”

“Thank you,” Christen kisses Julie softly.

“Of course, love. Now how about we order some takeout?”

Christen gives a small smile. “That sounds pretty good.”

After the pair eats as much Chinese food as they could handle, they settle down on the couch, Julie’s arm wrapped around Christen. Khaleesi and Morena curl up at their feet, enjoying the peace surrounding the apartment. The four simply sit there in silence, gazing at the twinkling stars and studying the city nightlife below them.

Christen finally breaks the quiet. “Hey, Jules?”

“Hm.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, love.”

Christen turns to face her girlfriend. “Why are you still with me?”

Julie takes Christen’s hand. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I haven’t been ‘me’ per say since the accident. All I do is sulk and cry and talk about my ex-girlfriend who’s been gone for two years. I can’t be fun to be with.”

Julie kisses Christen gently. “Hey, hey, don’t say that. I know Tobin was special to you, and I can only hope to be as impactful as she was. It’s okay for you to be upset. I still love you.”

“People stare at me on the street. No one looks at me the same as before. I’m a freak to them,” tears begin to roll down Christen’s face.

“Christen,” Julie wipes the droplets from her girlfriend’s cheeks. “You are not a freak. You’re the love of my life, no matter what. Nothing could ever change that,” she pulls Christen closer into her chest, tears soaking her shirt.

Christen doesn’t respond, but simply continues to sob. She cries for Tobin, the girl whom she planned to spend the rest of her life. She cries for the scar that constantly reminds her of what she did. And above all, she cries for Julie, for she could never discover that Christen, no matter how hard she tried, could never love her as much as she loved Tobin.

Once her tears subside, she lifts her chin up, locking her reddened eyes with Julie’s sympathetic ones. “I think it’s time we get you to bed. It’s been an emotional day.”

Christen nods silently, sliding off of Julie’s lap. Julie takes Christen’s hand and leads her to their bedroom, the two dogs on their heels. After they finish preparing for bed, Christen crawls under the covers beside Julie, her hand automatically searching for her girlfriend’s, craving comfort. Upon finding it, Julie squeezes Christen’s, assuring her.

Julie then leans over and places a kiss on Christen’s forehead. “Goodnight, Chris. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Christen manages to say before slipping into a deep slumber, exhausted from the day’s events.

\---

Just as quickly as she falls asleep, Christen awakens. Or, at least it seems to be quick. Upon looking at the clock beside her, she discovers it’s 3:00 AM, way too early for her to be up. She sighs and stares at the ceiling until an all too familiar voice startles her.

“Chris,” Christen sits up to find Tobin sitting at the vanity across the room.

“Tobin?” Christen questions in disbelief.

“The one and only,” she responds with a wink. “I can’t believe you’ve forgotten what I look like already.”

“But,” Christen stutters. “but you’re dead.”

Tobin sighs. “Indeed I am. How unfortunate that these things happen.”

“Unfortunate? You’ve been dead for two years and all that you can say is that it’s unfortunate?” 

Tobin shrugs. “There’s nothing we can do about it, can we? Might as well come to peace with it.”

“How are you here anyway? Are you a ghost?”

Tobin chuckles. “Ghosts aren’t real, Chris.”

“Then what are you?” 

“A formation of your dreams, basically. You allowed me to be here.”

“So does that mean,” Christen chokes up. “this is just a dream? You’re not real?”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far. You needed me, so I’m here. I’m not a figment of your imagination, but rather a soul trying to find a way to communicate,” she explains.

“Then why didn’t you show up earlier? I’ve needed you for two years, Tobs,” Christen accuses angrily.

“Not like this,” Tobin shakes her head. “You’ve been holding onto me for too long, Christen. I need you to let go.”

“I can’t,” Christen whispers.

“Yes, you can,” Tobin responds encouragingly. “Chris, you deserve to be happy, and you can be. You can build a life with Julie. You can work your way up in your career and become a successful businesswoman. You can do anything you set your mind to. But you have to let go.”

Tears begin to form in Christen’s eyes for what seems like the thousandth time in the past 24 hours. “But I love you so much. I need you to be here.”

“I know, Chris, I know. That’s why I need you to do this for not only yourself, but for me. I can’t rest easy knowing you’re in a constant state of despair. If you love me, you’ll set me free.”

Christen takes a deep breath. “And then what happens? Once you’re free?”

“I’ll be able to watch over you from up there,” she points to the stars. “And see what great things you accomplish.”

Christen nods slowly. “And you won’t visit me again?”

“Not like this. But you don’t need me to. You deserve to be free too, Christen.”

Christen shakes her head. “You’re too important for me to forget you.”

Tobin walks over so that she’s kneeling beside Christen and puts her hand on top of hers. The simple gesture fills Christen with warmth, a sensation that makes up for the lack of contact in the past couple years. “I’m not asking you to forget me, just to realize that you couldn’t have prevented the accident. You couldn’t have saved me. All I want is for you to be at peace with what happened. You said the guy was arrested; it’s all over now, Chris. You don’t have to live like this.”

Christen sighs. “You’re right.”

“As always,” Tobin says with her signature grin.

“I love you,” Christen whispers.

“I love you too, Chris,” Tobin kisses the top of her head. “And remember,” she adds as she walks away. “I’ll always be here.”

And just like that, she disappears, awakening Christen from her dream with a start. Christen lays back on her pillow, staring out the window at the night sky. She notices a particular star that was not there before, when she and Julie were looking earlier. The star is brighter than the rest, and seems to wink directly at Christen. 

She smiles to herself and closes her eyes, knowing that Tobin wasn’t lying to her. She would always be there. She thinks a bit longer about what Tobin had said to her about her current girlfriend. She looks over at Julie, fast asleep. It's then that Christen realizes that she really does love Julie- fully and completely. And for the first time in two years, Christen was excited for the future.


End file.
